Dulu I Lesbian

Dulu, I percaya pada semua senior. sebab masa tu first time I jauh dari family and it was too early for me. 13 tahun. macam kecil lagi je masa tu kan. I masuk asrama, sehari, seminggu, sebulan. pun still nangis-nangis lagi macam orang separuh gila rindukan family. padahal kat rumah rimas dengan adik-adik yang annoying dan rasa macam nak lari dari rumah. but yes, I do agree on what people say. Bila dah tiada, baru kita tahu nak hargai. ah, apa masuk pasal family pulak ni. I ingat lagi, bila habis je orientation week, mula lah kakak-kakak senior yang masa tu form 2, cerita macam-macam pasal hostel. hantu, warden, senior, batch mana paling hot. dan banyak lagi. lengkap semuanya.

Kakak senior tu cakap, kat asrama ni tak boleh ada kakak angkat. HARAM. (highlight the word) tak boleh, jangan. tak boleh ada lah senang cerita. Lepas kakak-kakak cerita, I macam wtf? suka hati orang lah nak ada kakak angkat ke, ibu atau emak angkat sekalipun. Dan I macam, nanti aku carik (dalam hati) woohaaa. bukan carik pun. dan masa pun terus berlalu. biasanya, kehidupan tingkatan 1 penuh dengan linangan air mata. everyday pun nak call parents dan laporkan setiap apa yang I buat. yea, yea. I homesick tahap gila. tapi I bukan pemenang sebab ada kawan I lagi teruk dan dasyat. So, masa tu dengan keadaan rindukan family, of course I rasa macam I need someone yang I boleh bercerita tentang perasaan betapa rindunya I pada family I. huh, tsk.

Dan cerita bermula lah. bila I baik gila dengan sorang kakak senior yang masa tu dah upper 6 dan beliau merupakan Exco Dobi. ohh, kakak dobi ku. haha. seronok, sebab dia banyak bagi I nasihat dan kuatkan semangat I. but then, tak lama pun since itu adalah tahun terakhir bagi kakak tu. So, tinggallah I sorang-sorang tanpa kakak senior yang baik lagi. Bila masuk tingkatan 2, wooohaaa. please believe this yang I dah start bawak phone pergi hostel. bukan public phone. Sebab utama, rindu family dan nak call mak ayah setiap malam. Dan mulalah cerita tersalah nombor dengan seorang kakak senior yang masa tu tingkatan 4. ohhh, I pun macam buat bodoh jelah kan. Tapi lama-lama I betul terkawan dengan kakak tu dan menjadi sangat rapat. But then, kami tak pernah pun bersembang secara live. Hanya bersembang melalui telefon dan sms. Sebab kalau jumpa dia depan-depan, sumpah jantung I dupdap dupdap. Apakah? Ala, kira macam scandal lah masa tu. Dan I dapat tahu jugak, masa tu ramai sangat yang minat kakak tu. Kenapa entah. Maybe sebab kakak tu macam talented gila dan banyak benda yang boleh dibuat. Plus, kakak tu hensem lah. hahaha. not too ladies tapi bukan tomboy.

Dan kami pun start rapat lahhh sampai lah ditahap berjumpa dan kakak tu pulak rajin datang dorm I dan borak bersama dan tidur bersama tapi tak buat apa-apa okay. Tapi macam banyak gila dugaan sepanjang I rapat dengan kakak ni. sebab ramai sangat yang tak puas hati and try to disturb our relationship. sampai I gaduh besar dengan kakak tu sebab masa tu ada orang tuduh I cakap kakak tu recycle bin. sebab suka tukar-tukar adik angkat. (what the funniest thing ever) hoho, padahal bukan I cakap pun, orang lain yang cakap. one of her adik angkat jugak lahh. and masa tu, penat jugak I nak explain, tapi lama-lama malas. sebab I fikir, kalau I tak salah buat apa nak takut and I percaya, someday the truth will come over the situation.

And yes, I won the case dan betul apa yang I fikir, betul-betul berlaku. before I masuk form 3, I dapat tahu yang I akan duduk satu dorm dengan kakak tu and masa tu tengah perang dingin lagi and I macam wth, macam mana I nak survive satu dorm dengan orang yang dah tak suka I kan disebabkan benda yang I tak buat. But then, I biar je and let's time decide everything. And a few day before we registered for new semester, tiba-tiba kakak tu contact I balik and minta maaf sangat-sangat sebab tuduh I bukan-bukan. And budak yang cakap dia recycle bin tu sendiri yang mengaku. Dan I pun macam, oh that's good sebab next year I nak PMR and you pulak nak SPM. so why not, kita bermaaf-maafan. And after that I macam layan tak layan je kakak tu. Tapi, she asked me for a relationship like before. Meaning that, rapat dan baik macam dulu. Mula-mula sumpah I tak nak tapi nak buat macam mana kan, sumpah I sayang gila kakak tu masa tu. Sayang, macam I pernah sayang BF I satu ketika dulu. Macam tu lah.

And we became close again after that. Dan bila masuk new semester I macam tak sabar sebab dapat 1 dorm dengan orang yang I betul sayang. And masa tu, memang tahun kena sakat dengan kawan-kawan kakak tu lah. sebab yea, kami memang rapat. dah macam couple dah I rasa. And I know kawan-kawan I masa tu mesti fikir I ni lesbian. Tapi masa tu, I tak rasa bersalah pun sebab I rasa I sayang dia sebagai kakak. Tapi, kebahagiaan dengan dia tak berpanjangan. acececehhh. Sebab baru berapa bulan I baik dengan dia, masih wujud orang yang dengki dengan kami. Tapi bukan adik angkat dia. But ada sorang kakak form 6 yang masa tu minat gila kat dia. haisshhh, dah macam penggoda dah I tengok dia. I macam relax je lah kan sebab masa tu I percaya kakak tu sayang I sorang je. Mula-mula I tak kisah pun dia nak kawan dengan kakak form 6 tu. sampai kadang-kadang kakak form 6 datang kat I mintak izin nak lepak dengan kakak tu. Semua yang dia minta I angguk, but still I have good relationship with her.

Sampai satu ketika, kakak form 6 tu fitnah I. yea, I difitnah sekali lagi. Dia mengadu kat kakak tu yang my friends and I cakap macam-macam pasal dia (dia was kakak form 6 tu) dia kata kitorang ni macam tak puas hati, kata dia perempuan murah lah. dan I macam WTF kau nak tuduh aku kan padahal aku baik gila dengan kau before ni. Sampai one day, kakak tu tanya I sendiri whether it was true or not and of course lah I cakap NO. It's not. tapi masa tu takde siapa pun percaya. And you know what people, masa tu betul I kena boikot dengan kawan-kawan kakak tu. And you all just imagine, macam mana bila kena boikot dengan kakak-kakak senior satu dorm yang dulu I boleh tepuk-tepuk tampar manja. I menangis. Even, I budget depan orang yang I macam tak kisah. Kawan-kawan je yang ada masa tu. Tapi I tahan, sampai I ambil PMR and I keluar dari sekolah tu.

Even masa tu I rasa difitnah tapi I betul fikir kebenaran itu akan muncul jugak satu hari nanti. And I betul, once again. Bila masa I kat sekolah baru, kakak tu contact I balik dan minta maaf sebab dia tuduh I. And kakak form 6 dah mengaku sendiri and dah terkantoi. Sebab dia siap kata I bagi message kutuk-kutuk. call dia cakap kurang ajar. And I masa tu macam mintak prove kalau betul. and dia tunjuk bukti. Dan betul, memang my number yang ada kat phone list dia. Tapi sumpah perempuan ni memang tak tahu malu. Padahal I tak tahu pun number dia, then dia misscall I, and I misscall lah balik. Then, cakap I kacau dia. WTF. Dan lepas tu, sumpah I dah taknak ada hubungan special dengan mana-mana senior pun. Sebab bila I fikir balik, betullah I dah macam lesbian. cuma tak buat sex je. hahaha. eh eh, tapi masa tu I ada BF, maybe I bisexual kot. Okay, dah. Bye.

p/s; I still contact kakak tu sampai sekarang. Just kawan macam biasa. Tapi dia jugak yang start contact I.

p/ss; gila panjang post ni, tak nak baca sudah.

p/sss; Clicik nuffnang tauhu??

give your 'one word' answer

1.) Name?
rda

2.) Single or Taken?

single

3.) At 1pm you were at?

toilet

4.) Last text msg u received came from?

faris

5.) Last comment u received from facebook?

efah

6.) Last person who called you?

mizi

7.) Last person you saw?

abid eh, ceplos.

8.) Love is the sweetest thing around? Yes or No?

yesesss

9.) Last song you heard?

yesterday (feeqa, dapat jugak jawab one word je ;p)

10.) Who's on ur mind right now?

nobody

11.) last thing you ate?

lunch. (huh?)

12.) How many schools you have been?

5

13.) current addiction?

mirror

14.) The "thing" you first saw at your right?

comforter

15.) Person you love right now?

YOU!

16.) Lust is different from Love? Agree or disagree?

OR

17.) Worst Fear?

pontianak (belakang rumah)

18.) Jollibee, Mcdo, or KFC?

McDo? McD

19.) Love or Money?

both ($_$)

20.) in love?

big NO

21.) School you graduated in HS?

MAHISS (aicehh)

22.) Friends or Lovers?

friends

23.) Favorite Subject during college.

History (ZZZZz)

24.) Time Right Now?

- 1740

tag; asmarina. natalio. dylo. dah tu jelah. yang lain buat jugak.

kau ingat kau popular, kau boleh pengaruh orang?

kenapa tah, lately ni memang I layan sangat rancangan The Oprah Wifrey Show ni. maybe sebab I dah bosan sangat duduk rumah dan tak tahu dah nak buat apa kan. So, the latest I watched is about the Reality Talent Show and the guest for that time was Simon Cowell (In case you all tak kenal, ala. pengkritik American Idol, Britain's Got Talent and banyak lagi reality show) so, they talk about the TV show. Si Simon ni pun perkenalkan antara manusia yang dia minat sepanjang dia jadi pengkritik.

this is ESCALA. the only one yang I betul-betul adore after I watched this episode. they are one of the competitors. and I do love them because they are too gorgeous. three of them play the violin and one more plays the cello (if I am not mistaken, haaaa cepat-cepat pergi google atau terus usha kat youtube.com okay) okay, back to the show. well, I do love this show since I tak tahu nak tengok cerita apa and since semua cerita pun dah jadi sangat boring. So, I chose this show. betul, memang ramai yang adore Oprah Winfrey. I do not know why but there must be any reasons for that. anyway, it is not the issue. the issues is, as people know, Oprah is one of the most famous women in America or even in the world. and every single women are wishing to be like her. and of course ramai gila yang tengok show ni kan. and I mula perasan, yang sebenarnya Oprah banyak mempengaruhi kita. especially, on religion.

for example for this series. at the end of the episode, Oprah showed us a singing competition in Afghanistan. and she told us about the history of Afghanistan. Oprah cakap, masa Afghanistan di bawah kuasa Taliban, it is illegal for any singing competition to be held and all women are not allowed to show their looks. (means, menutup aurat lah kan termasuk muka) then, bila Afghanistan is no longer under Taliban's, the first singing competition was held. and ramai wanita-wanita took part in the competition. but then, for the final the only one of the women competitors was disqualified sebab ramai yang bangkang dan bantah. then, perempuan tu buat mogok dengan bukak tudung dia dan terus nyanyi. Lepas tu, Oprah siap cakap lagi yang perempuan tu kena hukuman sebab. (If I am not mistaken, yang pasti kena hukuman)

and now, you can see how the most famous people like her can easily makes us believe on her. and masa tu, mesti kita fikir betapa kejamnya Islam. and i am sure, penonton-penonton yang ada kat studio, yang masa tu dah buat mimik muka yang annoying, terus mind set yang Islam itu betul kejam. and I do my conclusion, every single thing from America, must be a certain reason untuk hancurkan Islam. dengan menggunakan orang-orang yang berpengaruh besar, macam Oprah. look, I tak larang you all tengok The Oprah Winfrey Show lagi, sebab I pun nak teruskan tontonan. but then, yang baik jadikan teladan, yang buruk buat sempadan.

p/s; haisssshhh, dah dua hari tak update and finally i did it. biasalah masalah encik broadband yang nak kena maki ni kan.
p/ss; I am going to see Debate's team tomorrow to settle the proposal for next semester. haisshhh, kacau cuti I betul. (^_^)
p/sss; oppsss, clickkk the nuffnang okayyy. :)

gaya seorang ibu

this is my own theory yang I terfikir malam tadi before mata I terlelap. I think, if we want to know how are our attitudes and our personalities when we become a mother someday, we have to look on how we treat our little brother or little sister. tapi bagi sesiapa yang takde adik tu, boleh lah melihat macam mana kau orang layan adik sedara kau orang. atau mungkin anak kecil jiran sebelah rumah. or, maybe kau orang ni memang jenis yang kera sumbang, yang tak layan mana-mana budak pun, lihat lah pulak cara kau orang layan binatang peliharaan, macam kucing ke, anjing ke. wahahaha. anjing. atau pun, kau orang ni jenis yang sebatang kara? yang hidup sorang2 dalam dunia ni? sedara mara pun takde apatah lagi haiwan peliharaan. begitukah? ha, kalau macam tu, kau tengok lah macam mana kau layan diri kau. okay, dah cukup mengarut. back to the topic.

macam ni, bila I terfikir pasal theory tu, I ter-fikir. macam mana I layan anak-anak I nanti? oh, I plan nak ada 4 orang anak. 2 boys and 2 girls. just like my mother! and of course I want to be a good one. but then, bila I tengok balik macam mana cara I layan adik-adik I, I rasa nanti I jadi seorang ibu yang sangat-sangat garang. yang suka jerit-jerit. yang suka cari gaduh dengan anak-anak I. macam tu ke? tapi tak dinafikan jugak at the same time, I yang paling penyayang terhadap adik I, compare to my brother and sister. and I jugak yang paling rajin melayan adik-adik sedara I yang umur dalam lingkungan baru lahir sehingga 6 tahun. (exception for my little brother yang umurnya 10 tahun) oh, sebenarnya I suka layan budak-budak kecik je. yang dah masuk sekolah rendah ni I macam dah start malas nak layan. I malas nak ambil tahu. sebab bagi I, yang kecik-kecik je comel dan cerdik. lepas tu, bila layan yang kecik-kecik ni, I macam teringat lah zaman I kecik-kecik dulu. mesti comel gila dan ramai orang geram. (wahahahaha, ni aku tak tipu) sebab masa kecik mulut pun main lepas je kalau cakap, takde siapa nak marah. bila dah masuk sekolah semua jadi degil. tu yang I menyampah.

so, macam mana nanti bila I dah jadi a mother? I buat kesimpulan macam ni, masa I dalam pantang sehingga anak berusia 6 tahun, mesti I layan baik punya, no doubt. tapi bila dah masuk sekolah, mesti I buat-buat tak kenal je. haha, macam tu ke? You all rasa?

p/s; haha. betul. entry dah habis. sila percaya, entry I kembali pendek. sebab broadband bongok. dah bayar pun still lembab macam siput babi.
p/ss; ada gaya ibu yang bertanggungjawab tak bila melihat gambar diatas? angguk sekarang!
p/sss; click my nuffnang okay. kalau tak, dapat selulit yang banyak dibahagian peha.
p/ssss; I tak percaya post ni pendek! wahaha.

why people are talking about the past?

ohh yeah. woke up early this morning and firstly i was thinking of doing some exercises but it failed. yes, because i was wasting my time by opening my pink box in my wardrobe and i started to look one by one of my stuff in there. and yes, all of it are my old stuffs which are i love the most. i love the most because most of it are from people that i love so much and had been in my life for a long time ago. (because now, it's over) and, yes. old stuffs bring many memories. either good or bad. and yes, i do love memories so freaking damn much. but why people are always talk about the memories. i give you three situation. past, present and future. my past is about my high school or even my life in university. (when Dyla was there with us in UiTM, it is still the past even i am still in the same university) my present is what i am doing right now and yes, i am typing for this entry and my future is about what i will do after this or maybe about what i want to be after my graduation.

so, why many people are talking about their past compare to their present and future? in blogging also, mostly are blogging about their past memories. not what they are doing right now and not about what they want to do in future. the question is why? i found these answers when i was thinking all this day. because your past is your life. your past is about bringing what you are now. i am thinking of living without all those memories and i am sure it would be so bored. because those memories are the reason why you are here now. why you are yourselves right now. because those memories are the lessons in your life. because those memories are amazing even in the bad situation. it taught you deeply. these are the mutual things that we share together even we do not have the same memories in our life.

i was thinking about my bad memories. it was so pain. that is why i hate the present the most especially when i am in that situation. and actually, all those memories taught me many thing about life and about trust. people are talking and writing about their past is because they are proud to be themselves. i give you an example, why people like a murderer can tells us their story, about how they kill their mother, sister and etc. it is because they want us to realize that a life is about how you take a lesson from your past. i am watching Oprah Winfrey Show last night with my dad. and it was about a mother who has killed her daughter without conviction by letting her 2 years daughter in her car while she was teaching in the school for 8 hours. it is cruel? no it is just an accident. the issue is, i do respect that woman of being too brave to appear in public and story about her experience on that incident. and now you can see, how her past taught her about being more careful and calm.

so people do share your past memories with anybody to get the lesson on your past. so that, and someday it would be your good memories instead of thinking about it badly. and somehow, you have to admit that you will miss it though. and once again, life is about bringing a good desirable not only for yourselves but it's for your circumference of your life. i will share mine in the next post perhaps. :)

p/s; memories ask me to imagine about all the people too and i do miss them.
p/ss; it was reminds me on The Beatles's - Imagination. :)
p/sss; ignore the grammartical error because i am learning.
p/ssss; click my nuffnang please.a big please i mean. :)